Pregame: Take 3

What Cancer Cannot Do

It Cannot...

invade the soal

suppress memories

kill friendship

destroy peace

conquer the spirit

shatter hope

cripple love

corrode faith

steal eternal life

silence courage

This week has been bitter-sweet. Lots of highs overcast with some cloudy days.
Starting with the best high - the benefit last Saturday. One cannot even BEGIN to express gratitude for an event that was as special as that! Thank you is not enough, and to say we were humbled probably goes without being said. The amount of people who attended was simply AWESOME... and the day itself was completely breath-taking. I am SO glad I had the opportunity to preview the "scene" on Friday before the actual benefit. While it prepared me for the overwhelming generosity this community showed, it couldn't have prepared me for all of the warmth I'd feel again when I saw a room full of people who came to show their support on Saturday! To know that I am a part of so many people's lives is so unbelievably humbling; students, community members, friends, family, and even classmates I hadn't seen in, well, we don't really need to say how long! Yes, grade school classmates showed up, college friends, my wonderful students came not only to see me but to help serve! The gifts, each and every God-given gift of mine, were there in only the way His bountiful love could have made possible. So many people in the community have even shared that it was an amazing turnout, and that it was just a fun day for them as well. No dollar amount could be equal to the richness I feel in the memories that I have to get me through the rest of my bout with cancer! To have the turn out such a success for the people who all made it possible was like icing on the cake for me. It was WONDERFUL to get out of the house and see people I don't get to see regularly anymore as well. I cannot talk enough about the benefit, but probably should update those who check regularly in hopes to see how I'm feeling.
Unfortunately, this week got off to a rough start. My push for the finish line is still strong, but there were a few more hurdles added to the track this time around. It’s probably expected to be a little more exhausting as the treatments start to cycle through a little slower because I don’t actually get to rebound clear back to where I originally started out.
From the day after my treatment, after my Neulasta shot on 3/29, I definitely felt the effects of chemo on my body. I was hoping to bounce back as quickly as I did after the first treatment. I felt “good” finally on Wednesday 4/6. I had the most amazing 6” sub from Subway that I have ever had. It tasted AMAZING, or at least like it is supposed to! To top that off I had a glass of milk…and was crazy about the taste of it! Probably one of the most annoying side-effects of the chemo is trying to eat like I’m supposed to and drink more than enough water when everything tastes awful. The chemo seems to deaden my taste buds and make my tongue feel like a thick piece of leather in my mouth.
My energy is completely drained so much that the simple task of making pancakes for the family in the morning WiPEd me out. It’s amazing how fast life can go from working two jobs and raising 3 kids to lying down after 20 minutes of trying to make breakfast. I think that is why my spirit is so crushed most days because I was living life in the too fast lane and it has all come to a crashing halt. I don’t know how people do it with a second or third bout with cancer. It must be like child labor; you forget about the details of the pain over time.
But, it is the love and support that continues to poor in that heals my wounded spirit. Cards, letters, and gifts continue to shower me on my worst days. Inspirational messages from people whom I do and don’t know or haven’t ever even met. It’s absolutely amazing the strength a note can give me to suck it up and push forward. A couple of examples this week were from a mom who is watching her son in his final stages of cancer prepare for his walk with God. Another from a former student who watched her mom battle cancer, not once but twice when she was a child of just 8 and 12. Said student reminded me that I am my children’s hero and that we will grow as a family from this journey. Those reminders are given to me on the days when I need them most!
Well, three more days and treatment number three will be out of the way. As chemo becomes more familiar my questioning turns more the medical direction. What makes treatment #4 the magical one? Are we sure chemo has killed any other cancer cells? When will radiation start and for how long will I be undergoing that? And while I understand that everyone’s body is different, how will I feel? Anything has got to be better than the way chemotherapy makes a person feel! The most important question of course is… DO I GO SHORT OR LONG, BLONDE OR BRUNETTE?
Yes my friends, the hair is gone! After getting ready for the benefit on Saturday morning and pulling more than half my hair out, I decided it was time to shave what was left. I didn’t actually shave it myself, but enlisted the help of a very brave neighbor. While I have not ordered or shopped for a wig yet, I know I’ll be the owner of one very soon. My best friend is getting married on the 30^th and I can’t wear a turban and scarf for that special day. It’s bad enough her matron of honor has to have cancer for her big day; I can’t be bald!
My kids’ reaction to my baldness has been simply amazing.
“You’re not as scary as I thought you’d be.”
“You look more like a dad than a mom.”
“You look like one of the Three Stooges!”
“Who cares!” – that’s the one I didn’t expect! We were headed out to grab a bite to eat and I almost left without my cap on, and that’s what Kyler said. I couldn’t have been more proud that he truly didn’t care what I looked like because I was still the same mom. It really melted my heart. Clayton is actually dealing with it much better than I thought he would as well. I guess they all just understand that this is part of making mom better.
Well, I may not post again until Monday because I’m going to make the most of this weekend before I’m bed-ridden again next week.